Watch the Phoenix Rise

This isn’t how I thought it would be once I got out. I imagined something different. I had expectations. I try not to think back at all the mistakes I made. I was stuck in denial; blind to how destructive he was capable of being.

I think I started to realize it after the fire.

He didn’t realize I caught fire, too. Who I was burned up with our home. I rebuilt myself from those ashes.

Now watch me as I soar high above your clouds of anger. I swoop past your lies and manipulations. I cry healing tears over those caught in the middle.

Watch the Phoenix rise.

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I love you so

**I read this as some sad nursery rhyme sang by an abused woman, desperate for a solution in the fucked up system that she is trapped in, overwhelmed by feelings of powerlessness and despair, yearning for someone with power to help, and realizing all she can do is be present. Read it like that. It makes more sense then, I think.

 

Oh, how I love you so
I don’t think you know
How I love you so

Your little hands in mine
Swinging in a line
Your little hands in mine

Oh, I love you so
I don’t think you know
How I love you so

Your bright blue eyes
Entranced by the skies
Your bright blue eyes

Oh, I love you so
I don’t think you know
How I love you so

You reach out for me
Tears flow into seas
You reach out for me

Oh, I love you so
They don’t seem to know
How I love you so

We were torn apart
Gaping hole in our hearts
We were torn apart

Oh, I love you so
They don’t seem to know
How I love you so

Always fighting for you
No clue what else to do
Always fighting for you

Oh, I love you so
They don’t seem to know
How I love you so

Can’t stop the abuse
There won’t be a truce
Can’t stop the abuse

Oh, I love you so
They don’t seem to know
How I love you so

I’ll keep you warm
Shelter from the storm
I’ll keep you warm

Oh, I love you so
I don’t think you know
How I love you so

You are not alone
We are cast in stone
You are not alone

Oh, how I love you so
I don’t think you know
How I love you so

 

 

No voice

I want to tell you everything that happened.

Hush
Hush
Hush

They won’t let you speak.

Hold in your truth,
Breath out their lies.
They won’t let you speak.

Rage, rage inside
Compartmentalize.
They won’t let you speak.

Hide who you are,
Must cease to exist.
They won’t let you speak.

Hush
Hush
Hush

This is just the beginning

I did it. I made the changes that I needed to make and now here I am…wondering if I fucked everything up. Did I? I suppose only time will tell.

Each time with you kills me a little inside. When you cry, you aren’t calling out my name. When you are angry, you say hurtful words. I hear him speaking through you. I hear him. I wish I could stop hearing him. And when I am away from you, I still hear him. He’s in my head and I cannot get him out.

I won’t give up, though. I am going to keep going. I am going to continue trying to replace his hurtful words with something beautiful and loving. I will love myself and in time you will see that I’m not what he says I am.

In time, I will feel like I’m not what he says I am. I know I’m not, but my god, how deeply I feel like I am.