Once again, I feel as though I have no voice. I will likely always feel this way with him.
Changes to visitation days, changes to drop-offs last minute, bending over backwards and doing everything so that he isn’t inconvenienced on my time. Unfair expectations and treatment bringing me undue stress. I tried to stand up for myself, but I was shut down and ignored. I’m too afraid to breach the topic once more. I’m just asking to meet half way, like any reasonable person would do.
He isn’t reasonable, though. I think back to our marriage and I never had a voice then, either. He always found a way to make me feel as though my opinion was wrong. What I felt didn’t make sense. I was too emotional and would drive myself crazy. By the end of every moment where I would try and get some fair treatment from him, I would be curled up in a ball in our bed crying by myself.
He always left me to cry alone.
I remember one night our child came to comfort me. They still try and comfort me after he upsets me, but I don’t think they know the tears are from their daddy. I don’t allow a lot of tears in front of them, but they know why I excuse myself to my room.
I wish he didn’t have this power over me. I wish he didn’t have power over anything. I want to live free of him, but I can’t.
Sometimes I fantasize about changing my name and moving away – leaving all of this madness behind. I wish I had the potential to be cold, uncaring and abandon our children with him and never look back.
They need me, though.
So I stay. I do the things that I need to do to keep our home functioning. I try so hard to phrase everything is a positive way, to avoid having big punishments and instead use my language and natural consequences to guide them. I do not want to take away their autonomy. I don’t ever want them to feel the same way I did, even though I know that they already do while they are there.
I have never felt so helpless. I thought it was bad when people didn’t believe me about what I was enduring, but it feels even worse when I know that innocent children have to experience the same emotional/mental abuse, and people aren’t listening**. I wish that I could do more, but all I can do is create a safe space for them here.
I will blanket them with love and acceptance. If they are away for some reason, I will patiently wait for their return. I am their mama and that will never change. I would never do anything to jeopardize my opportunity to be there for them.
If continuing on through the same battle (just different theme) until I am tore apart, bloody and broken, is what I must do, then that is what I will do. I know that I will always be able to find healing along my journey, and I am strong enough to do it for them.
Tonight I will go to sleep instead of worrying about what I must do tomorrow to not let him interfere with my time with the kids, even if that means another area of my life will be interfered with.
He’s robbing me.
The Wild Warrior Woman 